Note to reader: This article was first published on farafina-online.com on April 14, 2002. I've re-published it here for posterity's sake.
Enjoy.
Joybringer.
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I love LASTMA (The Lagos State Transport Management Agency). I really do.
Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far. What I feel for LASTMA is like what you felt for your primary school head-master/head-mistress way back (especially if he/she was a "witch"). Remember that feeling? Exactly. That mixture of respect, fear, dislike and awe, all rolled in one. I get the shivers just thinking about it.
But in all fairness, LASTMA has put some sense back on our roads. I haven't seen Nigerians this organized in ages. People actually obey traffic regulations nowadays. Or should I say, they obey what they believe to be the regulations (more on that later).
Roughly two weeks ago I was nabbed by the boys in cream and reddish-purple (can't quite put a colour to those funny looking trousers!). I was coming from Lekki and had just missed the left turn towards Ikoyi. So I drove up Ozumba Mbadiwe a bit and made a u-turn just before Oceanic.
Before I could say Jack Robinson I was surrounded by two LASTMA guys. One stood in front of the car, barring any hopes of possible escape, and the other stood by my door (barring any possible escape as well, I guess).
"Come out now or we go punish you", or so I thought I heard. My windows were up, A/C was running, and the stereo was on. He repeated himself "come out now or we go punksho your tire". Oh, that's what he said. I wasn't in the mood to have my tires deflated so I opened the passenger door to let him in, hoping to drive a bit up the road and settle "the punkshorer".
"You made an illegal u-turn, you are in deep trouble today. Yes", said my new passenger. I kept quite and drove to the spot he pointed out. "We will take you to the station today. Yes". Talk about intimidation tactics. "You no see the sign? You are in trouble!". "Actually no, I hadn't seen the sign", I said. "Was there a sign there?" I asked, with some defiance in my tone.
Tunde (I later found out his name) looked me dead in the eye and said "Hand over your key. Follow me! You go see pepper today". He took me to the exact spot where I'd turned, walked a few steps and pointed to a sign. "Wetin be dat?" he barked. Indeed, it was a no u-turn sign. It was dirty, slanted towards the ground, and placed in an awkward position. But all that was irrelevant to Tunde. It was a no u-turn sign. I was nabbed. You could just see the glee in his eyes.
To cut a long story short, I spent over three hours at the LASTMA "office" near Bar Beach, and eventually doled out Naira 4,000 to gain my escape. it's an experience I'm not in a hurry to repeat. Mind you, I got off lucky. I've heard of people paying as much as Naira 25,000. No wonder there's some sanity on our roads again. There's nothing Nigerians hate more than losing money!
So I say kudos to LASTMA for a job well done (at least with me). I'm a lot more careful nowadays. I have been humbled.
Just some parting advice. LASTMA and LASTMA's founders, Try to educate the motorists you seem so eager to catch making mistakes. Fix up the signs so we see them clearly. Demarcate the roads properly, so it's clear to all where cars are meant to stop when approaching traffic lights. Help us drive better, instead of waiting to nab us when we fail.
But the realist (or is it cynic?) in me tells me my pleas will fall on deaf ears. Who in his right mind would give up such a lucrative business by telling his "customers" how not to get fined!?!? Definitely not Tunde! Tunde's bosses? Me hears through the grapevine that Tunde and his contemporaries have to deliver daily returns to them, so they are likely out. Perhaps Governor Tinubu will read this and make sweeping reforms to LASTMA. Perhaps pigs will fly.
Motorists, the battle continues. Watch out for fast moving cream shirts!
Mayowa
PS. Tunde and I have spoken on the phone after that incidence. He's not such a bad chap after all. He just has a thing for deflating tyres. Each to his own, I say...
